Kingdom Of Castle Peak

Long weekend break again. But it should be the final long weekend break to look forward, and in need of a well deserved rest before going through 3 hectic weeks of trainings before the final lap of Basic Military Training(BMT) life in army. Side track a little, remembering what our detachment was discussing about completing 8 weeks plus of training in army already, if not including the first 4 weeks of physical training, We should be looking forward to our Passing Out Parade(POP) already. With that being said, my POP will be held on the 10th of Sept (10/09/09) which is about exactly 4 weeks of trainings more to go. Shall not start a debate whether it's a short or long time left before that, but at least a date to be looking forward to with my whole detachment and of course as a Platoon together as one.

Did our Detachment Challenge before booking out last Friday, something that only our unit does with every batch of trainees that is not done in the other side of our main island. In short, its the ultimate test of Physical, Mental, Emotion, Teamwork and many more attributes together as a Detachment where one can actually see for himself about each and everyone strengths and weaknesses!! Honestly, I really managed to observe each and everyone's positive and negative attributes within my newly formed detachment. Since last time back in Poly days, or even those days in Secondary school days, I always believe that humans are able to hide their true self very well, and that the only way of bringing one's TRUE weakness is by draining out one's physical, mental and as the test attempts to break down oneself into despair and show out their true colors. It's only then where one will not be able to hide their true identity they have been managed to conceal to many for so long. Truth to be said, I wasn't very satisfied nor happy halfway through the first stage of the challenge already. Even though we are a newly formed detachment, and it will take a while more to blend in together as one, the morale of the team is strong on the outer surface so weak that it just take a small injury or mistake to break the whole detachment's spirit. I did whatever i could in my own abilities during the challenge, and working towards the goal of completing the challenge together so no hard feelings about it though i still didn't feel good after we complete the challenge in 3 hrs 20+ minutes. Overall result wasn't as expected, we only managed to get a 2nd place detachment award but everyone was a winner as all completed this tough challenge together as a company. So still must congratulate everyone that took part in the challenge, and of course not forgetting those who helped to make it happen!!

Ahhh... I feel nowadays my confident level seems to always be on the low side, be it from camp, life and many more. My mind wonders, wonder so much till I don't feel that good at all sometimes. I know myself to be a very VERY confident person, and i portray myself to be one also, but how come i feel like I'm losing it so much at a fast pace that i can't control my emotions and thoughts very well!! What's seems to be the problem with me. I'm perfectly fine now, i know i am, just losing some confidence so getting a little nervy perhaps due to the fact that I'm a very confident person. What will make one confident?! Is usually due to the fact that in this mind the person knows very clearly the result of the situation or is able to get the best outcome, knowing for a fact that he/she is able to complete whatever is on his/her mind. Being able to have all this positive thinking in the mind, one can only get confident about oneself, which is what i feel is how i really feel most of the time. Just that nowadays, the predictions coming from my thoughts, straight from my mind isn't very good or as what i would expected it to be, so losing confidence from there. Maybe some goals in life are just too far away to reach, suddenly i'm filled with so many maybes, perhaps and wonders. . . So much so I'm feeling down this few days, though i don't think many will be able to sense it but i think i bottled for too long already that i feel i just have to write it down to release it from within.

I'm not ready to face the reality of the world now, I'm just NOT READY!! I'm afraid of what is to happen, or what may happen. . . all the uncertainty is making me feel uneasy! I don't feel secured anymore, constantly living in fear. . . why do i feel so weak all around! Something is wrong but I myself also don't know what's going wrong with me. Life just doesn't seem as colorful as it is anymore. . . All that is helping me motivate is you,

. . . your smiles is all that is needed to make the day feel well spent,
. . . your happiness is what makes me stronger day by day,
. . . your every second spent together recharge my inner self,
. . . your messages are what that makes my day bright,
. . . you are like everything i connect everyday,
. . . so much now i'm losing myself,
. . . that i'm on my knees enjoying every moment

from all the bitter, sweet, and sour days! =)

Ferguson.36.04.07.09