Kingdom Of Castle Peak

will try to write something out tomorrow. . . though there isn't that much to think about what to write, but my mind is seriously drained and dead. Somehow it's already considered weird to be awake at this time already, MIND OVER BODY!! MIND OVER BODY!!

Is this considered a pre-warning weather of what is to come in the coming week. With the monsoon season hitting us, thunderstorms and showers are to be expected and definitely worth preparing for. With field camp just tomorrow, and after checking the week's forecast of weather, I've to prepare to get wet and stay in the field. Wish me luck to go through it without much obstacle, coming back safely in one piece!! =D While I might make it sound very serious like that, don't have to worry too much though. I'll be make it through!! I'm sure!

Understand, i used to think that understanding someone isn't that hard, and with time and effort spent to know more about one's experiences, things will be better everyday as there shouldn't be a day where it's the same as what you will go through. You might be going to the same lesson, but what is going through your head during it will definitely be different. I think maybe more time, alot more effort on my part is needed to understand you better. When you're hurt, I want to know and see what i'm able to do to make the situation better.

Started out kinda strange and weird in the beginning, but after a while things settled down and all it takes is just to step up and have a nice friendly smile to beautify the mood of the day. Enjoying every moment spent going with and against the wind, feeling the sharp pain every fall you did, and of course hope you feel the same way too! Thinking back, 3 more weeks before a break from training, something worth looking forward to. I am!! Are you? =)

Back home from a recovery week of training in camp, though we did had a SOC trial and IPPT test to clear before heading over to Singapore Discovery Center for a visit to the Army Museum.

Earlier this week was mostly having lectures, or doing some practises on the obstacles we had to clear that caused most of our hands to have serious blisters, and also having recovery stretches and rest in between the days of the week. But what's the exchange rate for it, is to be able to clear all the obstacles in SOC in SBO and at least a PASS in IPPT on Friday, or else it's coming back on a Saturday morning for some training before being able to book out again. When i heard the news about it, honestly i was afraid that i won't be able to clear something that will cost me to come back camp for weekend training, and just the slightest thought of it made me become very careful and ensuring that i recover fast enough to perform for the upcoming test for the week.

Somehow, i managed to scrap through the full gear SOC trial during the mid-week and getting just enough rest for today's IPPT. Finally managed to score a SILVER grade, with more improvements to be expected though looking back to the 1st week when i just enlisted, when i only managed a FAIL just missing out some time for the PASS! Although i also managed to slice out another minute for my 2.4km run this time round, but if i'm supposed to be feeling happy about it, looking at the rest of my detactment doing just as well or even better, with the disappointed look at my DI. . I guess it affected me alot why i couldn't just push myself a little more to get a faster timing. But whatever it is, i went at least 80-90% of my MAX after about 10 weeks of trainings or so! So the improvement is hopefully good enough to carry on, afterall the next week will be spent in the field somewhere out there for field training, so yeah hopefully i make it through!!

. . . . . . Time ticks down, flies so fast. 3 more weeks before i'm done with my BMT phrase, can't wait to get out of this shitty low life! Days pass, time pass, life goes on, everyday, everywhere, everytime no matter how tired i'll be from the trainings, just the thought of recieving something from you made everything worth! Sometimes i thought if maybe, just listening to your voice for a min or so would made the night even sweeter. But i know it's not possible all the time, perhaps i'm just a simple man with simple thoughts. Being stuck in camp not knowing what's happening on the outside makes me worry alot, alot more than i wonder if i can concentrate on trainings. But somehow i always get some reassurance, yet i can't fully keep that faith. Maybe this phrase 'once bitten twice shy' has taught me not to be over confident, till the point i'm losing confident so easily. I'm scared!! Maybe one day i will be scared of everything, the world might just crumble down, CRUSHED and DESTROYED, nobody cares anyway right? `cause life goes on, the world still spins! I want to understand and feel your pain, not just your joy. . . but if hiding your pain makes you comfortable, den i shall not force cause there's no point in forcing you doing something you don't like or not comfortable with. But deep down, i sense the pain!

50th day, doesn't seem any special or have any particular reason, i just wanna enjoy every moment, time, day, hour, minute, second spent together! That's the best i can ask of now!

Long weekend break again. But it should be the final long weekend break to look forward, and in need of a well deserved rest before going through 3 hectic weeks of trainings before the final lap of Basic Military Training(BMT) life in army. Side track a little, remembering what our detachment was discussing about completing 8 weeks plus of training in army already, if not including the first 4 weeks of physical training, We should be looking forward to our Passing Out Parade(POP) already. With that being said, my POP will be held on the 10th of Sept (10/09/09) which is about exactly 4 weeks of trainings more to go. Shall not start a debate whether it's a short or long time left before that, but at least a date to be looking forward to with my whole detachment and of course as a Platoon together as one.

Did our Detachment Challenge before booking out last Friday, something that only our unit does with every batch of trainees that is not done in the other side of our main island. In short, its the ultimate test of Physical, Mental, Emotion, Teamwork and many more attributes together as a Detachment where one can actually see for himself about each and everyone strengths and weaknesses!! Honestly, I really managed to observe each and everyone's positive and negative attributes within my newly formed detachment. Since last time back in Poly days, or even those days in Secondary school days, I always believe that humans are able to hide their true self very well, and that the only way of bringing one's TRUE weakness is by draining out one's physical, mental and as the test attempts to break down oneself into despair and show out their true colors. It's only then where one will not be able to hide their true identity they have been managed to conceal to many for so long. Truth to be said, I wasn't very satisfied nor happy halfway through the first stage of the challenge already. Even though we are a newly formed detachment, and it will take a while more to blend in together as one, the morale of the team is strong on the outer surface so weak that it just take a small injury or mistake to break the whole detachment's spirit. I did whatever i could in my own abilities during the challenge, and working towards the goal of completing the challenge together so no hard feelings about it though i still didn't feel good after we complete the challenge in 3 hrs 20+ minutes. Overall result wasn't as expected, we only managed to get a 2nd place detachment award but everyone was a winner as all completed this tough challenge together as a company. So still must congratulate everyone that took part in the challenge, and of course not forgetting those who helped to make it happen!!

Ahhh... I feel nowadays my confident level seems to always be on the low side, be it from camp, life and many more. My mind wonders, wonder so much till I don't feel that good at all sometimes. I know myself to be a very VERY confident person, and i portray myself to be one also, but how come i feel like I'm losing it so much at a fast pace that i can't control my emotions and thoughts very well!! What's seems to be the problem with me. I'm perfectly fine now, i know i am, just losing some confidence so getting a little nervy perhaps due to the fact that I'm a very confident person. What will make one confident?! Is usually due to the fact that in this mind the person knows very clearly the result of the situation or is able to get the best outcome, knowing for a fact that he/she is able to complete whatever is on his/her mind. Being able to have all this positive thinking in the mind, one can only get confident about oneself, which is what i feel is how i really feel most of the time. Just that nowadays, the predictions coming from my thoughts, straight from my mind isn't very good or as what i would expected it to be, so losing confidence from there. Maybe some goals in life are just too far away to reach, suddenly i'm filled with so many maybes, perhaps and wonders. . . So much so I'm feeling down this few days, though i don't think many will be able to sense it but i think i bottled for too long already that i feel i just have to write it down to release it from within.

I'm not ready to face the reality of the world now, I'm just NOT READY!! I'm afraid of what is to happen, or what may happen. . . all the uncertainty is making me feel uneasy! I don't feel secured anymore, constantly living in fear. . . why do i feel so weak all around! Something is wrong but I myself also don't know what's going wrong with me. Life just doesn't seem as colorful as it is anymore. . . All that is helping me motivate is you,

. . . your smiles is all that is needed to make the day feel well spent,
. . . your happiness is what makes me stronger day by day,
. . . your every second spent together recharge my inner self,
. . . your messages are what that makes my day bright,
. . . you are like everything i connect everyday,
. . . so much now i'm losing myself,
. . . that i'm on my knees enjoying every moment

from all the bitter, sweet, and sour days! =)

Ferguson.36.04.07.09

Weekends are finally here eh. . which also means that my 7 days break from training due to fever is also coming to an end already! Missing out an entire week of training, now wondering how much do i need to play catch up with rest that were attending training. Staying home all day long not contributing much isn't a very good idea as well, that at times i wonder maybe being back in camp for training would be better than just sitting in front of the computer screen watching drama series!! Though i did managed to complete watching the Prison Break series, and Gundam 00 season II within the 7 days given to me.

Starting next week, most likely we would be gearing ourselves for the upcoming field camp at Tekong in the following week. So should be expecting a lot of field trainings in the afternoon, with all the usual regime in the morning and evening before meal time! Though i kinda miss all the trainings, so really can't wait to get back to training with the rest of the guys and hopefully i won't lack behind too much! PS: There is already quite a bit for me to catch up with them le, and time is running out to get myself in shape for the final test!

I'm beginning to wonder, what am i doing in my life?! Somehow i can't see myself working towards any short or long term plans, as maybe it time to start planning ahead for a better, brighter future. But something is holding me back, I can't seem to work it out alone, my mind wonder whether i'm doing the right thing or not. No one knows what will happen in the future, but doesn't mean i shouldn't bother about it cause i can work towards the future of my dreams. Four more days. . . looking forward to it!